The Culinary Catastrophes of Leonardo da Vinci
by xahra99
Summary: Leonardo discovers a new obsession-cookery!


The Culinary Catastrophes of Leonardo da Vinci.

An AC2 fan fiction by xahra99

"Leonardo?" Ezio called. He stepped back and squinted up at the windows of Leonardo da Vinci's workshop. The windows were all open, a good sign that his friend was in residence. The door was firmly locked, which suggested the contrary.

Ezio considered his options. Eventually he sighed and produced a lock pick from his belt. It was the work of a moment to open the door, and he made a mental note to convince Leonardo to invest in some better security. As he pushed the door open and slipped inside he heard a loud crash, followed by a plume of sweetly scented smoke.

"Leonardo?" he called. "Leonardo! I have found another Codex page!"

There was no reply.

Ezio closed the door behind him and hoped he wasn't interrupting something important. He looked around. The workshop was in a state of total disarray, which was nothing unusual for Leonardo. The thick fog of steam that filled the room was rather more out of the ordinary. Mist clung to the bare rafters. Water droplets pearled and ran down the curtains, the walls and the many unfinished canvases.

"Leonardo?" Ezio called again. He peered through the smoke and made out an enthusiastic and indistinct shadow over by the massive kitchen range.

"Ezio!" Leonardo's exclamation of greeting sounded genuine. "Good morning!"

Ezio followed the sound of his friend's voice, pushing through piles of books and half-stacked boxes towards Leonardo's stove. The range had been unused for as long as Ezio had known his friend. The artist very rarely bothered to cook, and he had a habit of abandoning the meals he did prepare half way through. The tribe of mice that inhabited his workshop were all very fat or, if they were foolish enough to nibble at his box of paints, very dead.

Ezio waved a hand in front of his face in a futile attempt to dispel the smoke."What are you doing?"

"Cooking," Leonardo said. He had replaced his beret with a tall white hat and held a long wooden spoon in his left hand. He dipped a finger into one of the pots bubbling upon the stove. "It's good! Ezio, you have to try this!"

"Cooking?" Ezio asked doubtfully. He was accustomed to Leonardo's obsessions, but this was something new. "No thank you. I'm sorry, _amico mio_, but I know exactly what that pot was last used for."

"Not just cooking." said Leonardo, ignoring Ezio's comment. "I am in the process of inventing an entirely different kind of cookery. I shall call it-" He paused and waved a hand. "Well, I'll think of something. Cooking is just like alchemy!" He picked up a bubbling saucepan and thrust it under Ezio's nose. "The chemical reasons between the transformations of ingredients are endlessly entertaining!"

Ezio pushed the pan away with his padded sleeve, dropping the Codex page as he did so. The parchment fluttered to the ground amidst scraps of paper with Titles like _'The Machines I Have Yet to Design for My Kitchen_' and _'On Ridding Your Kitchens of Pestilential Flies'_

"Cooking is nothing like alchemy," he pointed out. "For one thing, there are fewer explosions."

"Then cooks are doing something wrong!" Leonardo exclaimed. "Consider an egg. As it cooks, the white turns from clear to opaque. Like lead into gold! This, my friend, is a miracle of transmutation. Why should it be?"

"Why should it?" Ezio said cautiously.

"I don't know!" Leonardo cried. "Isn't it wonderful?"

Ezio rolled his eyes. "Cooking," he said," is what servants are for. Or failing that, pie-shops. I do not see-"

"Did you know that I was apprenticed to a chef in my youth?" Leonardo lifted up a saucepan lid and stirred the bubbling liquid below.

"I did not," Ezio said carefully. He took a closer look at the range. Several of the pots and pans glowed with a strange and esoteric light. "What are you cooking?"

"Porridge balls in gold leaf," Leonardo said happily. "And cabbage jam. I shall call it molecular gastronomy!"

There was a small explosion atop the range. Fragments of burning cabbage splattered Ezio, Leonardo, and several unfinished paintings.

Ezio sighed. It was going to be a very long day.


End file.
